A ‘recovered’ anorexic- can you actually ever be that?! Can you actually be 10000% better, and never to fall into its trap again. It lures you in sometimes, making you think it’s a good way to go, you’ll seek some comfort if you slip back in, you know anorexia, you know you can do it, you know you’re good at it. You bumble along, feeling pretty ok actually, then if something goes wrong, BOSH, like a slap around the head, you feel awful. Sometimes it’s totally out of the blue and for no reason. You wonder what’s happening to your head, and part of it isn’t about restriction or weight, it’s about happiness or a lack of it. You feel like you’re back in that whirlpool, struggling, battling against the tide to swim into the calm water. And you try, with all your might you try, but you keep getting sucked back into the dangerous waters. You’re trying to shout out for help but the water stops you, like your screams are being drowned out, literally.
It’s this worry, stress, and anxiety that I hate with a vengeance about anorexia. Going back to my flood water analogy from a previous blog, it’s this debris that’s left once the flood waters retreat. Your mind and brain sometimes just seem an utter mush. I can’t describe it any other way because mush is exactly what it feels like. You’re trying to focus, get a grip, think positively, but all your thoughts are mushing together to form one big ball of negativity and stress. Ahhhhh to be rid of this, to be the person I once was, to be more carefree, to be more ‘chilled.’ I can actually laugh out loud to that comment as ‘chilled’ is so far off the radar it could be lost forever.
Over the last few days my head hasn’t been in a great place. I am aware of a few reasons as to why this is the case but am also aware it’s an anxiety thing too. I’m not going to lie, I find life hard sometimes, as I’m sure we all do, and I would never want my account of recovery to be all hearts, flowers and pizza, because it isn’t. Sometimes its tears, tissues and some oat cakes! But I also want this to be helpful to someone, anyone, so this post will not be simply a ‘mush’ of my own ramblings and negative vibes. I’m writing this more to say that it’s ok if you feel totally crap, it’s ok if you cry for no reason, its ok if you lose all inclination to do anything and everything. What’s not ok is staying like that. You, and I, need to fight back at the negative vibe, and get out of the whirlpool. The calm waters may seem impossible to get to but they are there, just beside you, waiting.
So, if you feel rubbish, like you can’t do it anymore, like you’re not even sure about the things you are doing remember this is not the end point and better days will come, better days will ALWAYS be there. So use the crap moments to make you even stronger than you are. Talk to someone, write down your feelings, don’t be by yourself. That is an important one. Having down time is one thing, being alone when you’re not in a great place is another. Being among people can actually help, you see that there is life going on outside your whirlpool of stress. Also know that everyone else has these moments, some more than others but they do have them. Nothing is perfect and no one’s life is perfect, we can’t change that. But we can try and change the way we look at our own lives